Fulcrum Freestyle

In Honour of Those Who Served

2007-05-28T10:04:00.000-04:00

Today is Memorial Day in the U.S.

A day set aside to remember, honour, mourn and thank those who have paid the highest price while wearing the nation’s uniform and under our flag.

Thank you for having served in the far past, and in the always-fleeting present.

What is a soldier?
A soldier is someone who is trained to destroy, and to protect.
A soldier is someone who is prepared to kill, and to die.
A soldier is someone who every day struggles with the intimate reality of the soul.
A soldier is a parent, a child, a sibling, a friend, a lover, a spouse.
A soldier is someone who serves – the people, and other soldiers.
A soldier is someone who chose, or was chosen, to give this service.

There are no ‘Citizen Soldiers’.
A soldier is a citizen…
Who wears our uniform and offers his or her life to serve.
Some ask, what is the difference between a soldier and a mercenary?
A mercenary is hired.
A soldier is called.

Thank you to all who have, and still answer, that call.
And today, thank you to those who have fallen as soldiers so that we might live as citizens.

We love you, we miss you; thank you.

My Heart is Breaking...

2007-05-21T22:00:00.000-04:00

and this blog entry is not a joke.

I just caught sight of a headline regarding someone the mainstream press is referring to as 'the Al-Qaida Doctor'.

The story is all cookie cutter, Pavlovian Western-attention-span reporting (aka - lousy) but what's just as bad are the readers comments to the article. Worse actually. There's really no way for a non-hack-savvy user like myself to find out if this are 'plants' or real people, but would it matter?

I had heard about this case a while ago, did a flurry of searches and reads on it and though it was obvious how the prosecution was going to approach the case, even I underestimated how viscious and corrupt the US societies and systems have become.

I'm not just talking about the taxpayer sponsored brokerage house we call a government, but the whole deal, all of it, internal, external, from top, down and sideways. I can't remember if I've already made this statement here, but forget about 'conspiracy theories'. You don't need conspiracy when you've got collusion. And we are all inclinded towards collusion when we feel helpless in the face of overwhelming odds. Right now, I include myself in that number.

To paraphrase Pogo, we have seen the enemy - in the mirror - so we've decided to storm out the door unkempt.

Yeah, I know, this barely makes any sense. But I swear I am so ready to break down and cry. We, the United States and the people who claim it as our country; we have turned into something terrifying, hideous, unfathomably pathological and driven to obsessively maintain a myth about ourselves, our history, and what we do.

And the most terrifying thing to me? I watch as I grow more helpless everyday, from my own fear more than anything else. I know what we're doing, what we're becoming, and I do less each day to stop it. I am more and more a coward each day.

I apologize. I am so sorry. I am so sorry.

What I'm Currently Up To...

2007-05-06T12:52:00.000-04:00

besides no good!

Learning the banjo; and yep, I'm not much good at that either. In the meantime, if anyone is interested in learning more about banjo, banjo music, etc - check out my sub-blog at BanjoHangout.org

Of course, I doubt I'll be any more diligent about blogging there as here... but some things can always be a blessing in disguise.

I'll Bet Y'all Missed Me!

2007-05-06T12:07:00.000-04:00

um, hello? hello?

oh, nevahmind...

Today's blogpost is another Visual Commentary.

Hands up! Who kin relate???

Happy New Year 2007

2007-01-01T16:12:00.000-05:00

This is one of my favourite days of the year, if not the favourite, so I thought it may also reintroduce me to more regular blogging.

Don’t get any wrong ideas, this isn't some kind of New Year’s Resolution, those things are way too much pressure for me. What's more, I recognize how much of a creature of habit I am. Except for the wrong policy foci, I’m probably just as stuck as Presidentissimo Dubba is, where mindset is concerned.

I like auspicious dates. I don’t usually do anything special, but I do tend to note and/or care about them.

Today is the culmination of my own private Easter. That sounds a little blasphemous but don't get too anxious, it’s only a metaphor. I’ll let everyone know when I decide to create my own religion. (to be sure!) What I mean by that statement is...

December 30th, 1991: the last time I tied one on at a favourite restaurant bar. I had five vodka-on-the-rocks, with a twist.

December 31st, 1991: the last time I woke up with a hangover and called into work again because of one.

January 1st, 1992: the first morning I woke up without either drinking the night before or a hangover. And because it was the first, it was an easy date to remember to see how long I could go for another stretch of not drinking.

Writing about it like this feels like I’m tempting fate. Being somewhat aware of my subliminal tendencies, I think I may be trying to. I’m not sure why I would want to tempt fate or why I would admit that but hey, if I don’t challenge myself to be as honest as possible in navel-gazing or writing, where’s the fun?

I am an alcoholic; just currently not a practicing one. Yet, I feel sure that if I picked up another drink (or any drug for that matter) a couple of things would happen. One: in spite of my once-considerable-then-eventually-deteriorated capacity, I would be drunk at an acceleration worthy of a Porsche. There'd be a moment of a warm glow and not much of a happy buzz. Zero to blotto in five sips or less. That's where I was when I left off.

Two: even if there was a stop-and-go period beforehand, it wouldn't be long before I'd regularily drink my face off again.

I didn't automatically go to AA; that came later for me. My focus back then was on my therapy and on getting on an anti-depressant. The therapist I had at the time, for group and individual, would not refer me to a psychiatrist for meds until I could spend a month or two not-drinking. I had tried a few times already with limited results, so I didn’t really expect to quit drinking for very long this time either. I just intended to go as long as possible.

To be clear on one thing; it was not any strength of character or will that got me to dry out long enough to get on medication. And I’m pretty damn sure it wasn’t that kind of character or will that helped me get to this point. If anything, I suspect it's my less impressive attributes such as self-fascination, co-dependency, med-dependency and OCD tendencies. They just were put to better use by a Power-Greater-than-I; like my therapist at that time!

I had been working, really working, in my therapy. There was something important and exciting in challenging myself to be as honest as possible. Becoming aware of and acknowledging things about my past; my behaviour patterns; my feelings, thoughts and in-the-moment condition, was scary as hell. Hell, it was work just learning to identify ‘feelings’! I am not kidding. It was an 'E'-ticket roller coaster, with benefits.

Two of those benefits, I consider gifts. One was finding and honing an internal honesty-meter. Grant it, it often works with a delay (sometimes a big one) but it’s there. I notice an almost physical ‘bing’ in me when I’m close to or avoiding something that is important to be real about. Honest and real.

The other was more of a Stocking-stuffer assortment; a bunch of items that weren’t yet 'big' presents but still valuable. One of those things was an awareness that I couldn’t, and didn't want to, wait any longer to be happy, or healthy, or feel cured somehow. That although I was far from some kind of success, or even on firm ground towards it, I would no longer wait until some kind of conditions were met before I could begin to feel content with my life. That goal became a final push for leaving therapy then, as well as something to work towards in other ways.

My therapist did not agree with my decision to leave. I also suspect she kind of resented it. Yet I committed to and followed through on the therapeutic guidelines set for leaving. I took a six-month sabbatical from both group and individual therapy, followed by a month long closure with the group. I recognize now, how important that process was. It helped build my self-confidence to make an important decision and act on it.
That was back in July of ‘97.

I eventually wound up in AA on April 22nd of 1999.

I had been driven to despair by another failed attempt at romance or more accurately, love. It was as crushing as the first time I had loved-and-lost; but this time was different in that I chose to be as real as possible with the other people involved as well as with myself. I was intensely emotional, suicidal and desperate; but because of the things that I had learned are important for me, I chose to face and stay with the feelings and go through them.

The people and things that I counted on to support me in such endeavors, including my previous therapist, were not available to me anymore for a variety of reasons. Yet, it was in remembering about and reaching towards those resources that I eventually went somewhere else. I found out later, in recovery, that’s called “the gift of desperation”.

I was 7 years dry but the people who met me when I first started coming to the rooms were sure I was a wet drunk. Save for the initial drying out, I felt like one. I had used my self-identified status as an alcoholic to find emotional support. I found that and much, much more; including a belief in recovery, based on how I understand my experience. That, as well as how it is that I didn’t drink or (recreationally) drug in the time before getting into AA, is fodder for another essay.

Just now, I got a clue as to why I spent so much time on this one!

I am currently in another break up, or should I say disassociation? I’m having a difficult time with saying ‘break up’ as it’s also been difficult saying ‘going out with’. She lives in a state literally a thousand miles away, but we both made the effort to span that distance. And, I believe we've put that effort in emotionally as well.

What I find interesting is the amount of noteworthy coincidences. It wasn't like the time I wound up in AA, but it was a break up/disassociation on a New Year/personal Easter, of a long distance relationship, with another Gemini. And ooooh, crap! I see many other WAY-too similar parallels. Looks like I’ve got even more possibilities for Blogger-fodder. (“Be afraid, be very afraid”) Yet the most significant parallel may be that, just as the woman back then had given me some intangible yet very important gifts, so too has this one.
And a couple of tangible ones to boot!

And, as a bonus, I’ve also been proven right yet once again (had you any doubts?); I have excellent taste in friends and lovers. Who knows? If I’m still able to attract them maybe I’ll eventually be able to hang onto them longer!
...
You know, I’ve just decided that’s not as important as what I have right now; another experience with another person who gave her/himself to me as much as possible and accepted the same from me.

Thank you for that T. Happy New Year, with love, Annette

The FCC-ATT (OMG!) Thing Revisted...

2006-10-25T20:41:00.000-04:00

with featured guest, my blog-buddy Jerry!

In responding to Jerry’s comment on my post for October 11th entitled 'Praise the Lord...' I realized that I was discussing and/or describing things I intended to write about whenever I got around to it.

Then I realized I had just gotten around to it. And the response was coming out so *brilliantly* I decided to move it from the comments section, that people don’t often read anyways, to the blog itself… that people don’t often read anyways.
Buthatsnothepoint!

I have some qualms about doing this but I figured that if he didn’t mind posting the original comment, it shouldn’t be a problem. Besides, I thought it would be a nice surprise for him.
So, Jerry; Surprise!!!

And now, my little ‘comment-versation’ with Jerry.

J: Hi Annette

A: Hi Jerry

J: Back up on your horse again?

A: Yeeeeee HAA! And tall in the saddle too! At least until I get ‘bucked off’ anyways.

J: Sounds like you've managed to push some of those doldrums away and become vocal again, glad to see it!!!

A: You may be the only one on the planet who is… but I can change that!

J: While I agree that putting AT&T back together, even a little bit at a time, is wrong, I think your post could use some more detail and meat on the subject, such as where did you find this, what prompted you to take action on this particular matter, and when is this merger taking place? Are there any other reasons why it might be?

A: I originally saw this article in my main, local area newspaper (that happens to be owned by Gannett Company) and in USA Today (that happens to be owned by Gannett Company) and on Democracy Now!.org (see under News Links at right). But as Gannett doesn’t own Democracy Now! does it still count? (I shouldn’t say anything. Rupert Murdoch could be listening)

Finally I went to DOJ site itself, specifically the Antitrust Division, and read over the report as much as I could stand it.

You may be right about supplying more information about these issues but I see this blog as a forum for me to vent, spew and minimally inform. I don’t usually think about getting too detailed about anything other than my own thoughts. That sounds a tad egomaniacal but hey, it’s just me here with barely a command of the English language, never mind public information or policy.

Now, if I was the President of the United States or something like that I could see where that would be a bit of a problem.

But even then, with all the politicians and media swarming all over the place looking to make names for themselves I can’t believe anyone would ever let me get away with anything that could be misinformati… uh; hmm.
Never mind.

Anyways, I’m sure there’ll be a lot of song and dance by those with a (in-)vested interest that’ll go on about why it’s such a good idea. I decided to just focus on sharing my tiny spark of dissent.

Especially since most people are too busy and/or tired with living to give much of a damn about things like this. Just so it ‘works’, right? I mean it’s not like their rights were being blatantly compromised, their essential liberties being run over like really slow worms in the rain or as if the Constitution was being revoked in some way, right? In those cases I’m sure the US people would rise up to defend themselves on issues like that… uh… hmmm.

Ianievent, as I tend to get ignored even when I’m being silent I’m on a perpetual self-journey to accept being heard without being listened to. Which is very difficult when one is always right, you know! Very spiritually challenging. Hell at this point, for all I know, I could be a shorthair’s breadth away from becoming a bodhisattva.

Whoa, could you imagine? If I had a godhead going for me, who could be against me? I’d really kick butt then! And I could finally take my rightful place as Benevolent Overlord!
(Note to self: thinkdivinethoughtsthinkdivinethoughtsthinkdivinethoughts)

J: Is Bell South swamped in under the federal directive (a directive brought forth by the break up of AT&T) wherein they are directed to provide service to other "phone" companies at a cost less than their own operating costs? I have a friend who works for o the local branch (QWEST communications) of AT&T when they broke off, who knows firsthand that the company loses a ton of money providing service to the smaller companies, as directed by the feds, at a cost cheaper than they themselves can run the systems they have in place, which do not include the original costs of providing the initial network and hardwiring, nor the maintenance costs associated with maintaining these hard networks, hence they lose tons of money helping their own competitors provide the same service they do, for less than they can charge themselves. So, how is it that was overlooked in protecting that original AT&T's investment?

A: If I remember correctly one of the reasons behind the Ma Bell bust up was something like eminent domain. Wouldn’t THAT be nice for a change???

But besides that, I believe it was also reasoned that the Bell System had recouped not only its initial investments but at least a good portion of its upgrade and maintenance since then as well; and that it’s primary costs at that point was mainly from doing business. I also believe it was deemed logistically prohibitive for the new Baby Bells to build brand new communications systems since what used to be like a private driveway was now a major roadway.

However, I do believe that you raise a lot of important points that I just don’t have time or energy to research, especially since that’s not how the landlords get their rent or the government their taxes from me.

Yet I hope that it was thoroughly researched, pinpointed, scrutinized, reported, debated and addressed by the folks who are HIRED, as in SUPPOSED TO because they GET PAID TO do so. If there was a lack of that kind of focus regarding such things, that could be a clue as to how big biz (think Bechtel, Enron, Exxon-Mobile, Haliburton, the US government, etc…) can get away with the crap it does.

What gets me is how those companies always go on about 'losing' money.
Maybe it sunk into a slush fund somewhere, or its footsteps are so ‘soft’ no one knows where it ran off to? It really bothers me that profits being chewed up by overhead seldom gets addressed when it comes to medium to small businesses. The little guys are constantly being compromised by a variety of factors that are non-issues for the mega corps. They then become more and more vulnerable for big biz to feed upon. And then when you tell the mega corps there's no more dessert, the SOBs get pissy!

In the real world predators actually have to work for their meals. They also provide a valuable service in winnowing out the weaker members of groups of both prey and predator. When they do feed they don’t stuff themselves needlessly because the ensuing bloat would make them weak. For lions and tigers and bears, etc, greed is a periodic indulgence, not a lifestyle choice.

I strongly suspect that there is way more honour among thieves, hookers, drunks and free-lance assassins then there is among the pillars of our theo-socio-political superpower structures. The latter group, TSPSPS for short… kind of, is much more dangerous because it has the acceptance and overall obeisance of the general population. The world in general, even!

I see all this in terms of a pyramid. The bottom bricks spread out wide in 4 directions and keep up the weight of the *entire* upper structure. That function continues on each level upward as the higher levels - especially the top – provide a progressively better view of the big picture. Yet there is also progressively less weight to hold up. And while the upper levels have a better view, they themselves are that much less visible from the lower ones.

Some would argue that the top is what keeps the pyramid ‘in line’. Probably. Certainly during construction having an apex to aim for keeps thing ordered and cohesive.

But after the pyramid is built everything rests on the mid to lowest levels. The integrity of the whole structure is now dependant on them. If the top were suddenly gone, it would leave the structure vulnerable to progressive decay. But if the foundation or the middle of the pyramid were somehow compromised the vulnerability is much more immediate and any resultant damage could be that much more difficult, maybe even impossible, to reverse.

That’s how I see it with society at large whether in a commercial, political or social sense.

J: Anyway, glad to see you get your dander up about something, keep plugging away, I’ll keep reading,

Jerry

A: Thanks for sharing your thoughts with me, helping to enrich my own.
Hey! Wait a minute! You’re not hoping for change from my two cents, are you?

Annette

Praise the Lord...

2006-10-11T19:19:00.000-04:00

and pass the LUBRICATION, ladies and gentlemen. We are in the process of a ‘fate-rape’ without the benefit of roofies, copious amounts of alcohol, or even a nice dinner before hand! So bend over and take it like a ‘Amerrekun’, dammit!

Today, Wednesday October 11, 2006, I found out that the Justice Department of the United States has no problems with AT&T merging with Bell South, undoing the undoing of the Ma Bell monopoly as it was back in 1984.

Well, okay, so it’s not all back together again. Yet.
I mean it does take a little bit of time to sneak this crap in under our snot-stuffed citizen noses. But then, most of us really aren’t paying attention to the organized sedition of our own freaking government, are we now?

But for those who may be interested, here’s the email I sent, acting as a citizen and utilizing what civil liberties are still left for me to act on.

Please also note where I sent it to besides posting it on my blog. I hope I don’t find out what the weather is like in Guantanamo or some other little enchanted hideaway.

But if I – WE - don’t speak up now, that could still happen later, and not just to me.

So without further ado, my email to the Justice Department of the United States and whatever other email addresses I could copy and paste in a hurry.

__________________

From: me
To: antitrust.atr@usdoj.gov, NewYork.ATR@usdoj.gov, antitrust.complaints@usdoj.gov, AskDOJ@usdoj.gov, oig.hotline@usdoj.gov

CC: mail@democracynow.org, info@freepress.net, press@eff.org

Subject: re the ATT/BellSouth merger...

Date: Wed, Oct 11, 2006 06:35 PM
_________________

ARE YOU PEOPLE OUT OF YOUR FREAKIN' COLLECTIVE MINDS???

1984 - maybe because of the ominous cultural undercurrent attached to the year's name, maybe because it was about time and/or maybe because back then we actually DID almost adhere to a truly capitalist, free market system; regardless, we broke up AT&T.

NOW YOUR PUTTING HUMP-OUR-BUMs-TY together again???

this is NOT in the interest of the united states republic, the concepts of democracy, freedom of speech or a free market; and certainly NOT in the interest of the general public.
but here you go, doing it anyways.

why???

well the answers i've come up with on my own do not speak well of this country at this time, our general government's (dys-)functionality, and definitely not of this administration.

so i'll put it this way: now that the 'reds are dead' we - the US - are the new face of fascism, totalitarianism, and idealogical, financial and social enslavement. at home or abroad, our government promotes itself as the great white (red, and blue) hope of the world... as long as EVERYBODY, including the citizenry of this country, do it our, the USA, way.

wait! correction! not 'our'; the *current regime's* way!
and that's regardless of what side of the aisle the various political hookers claim to represent.

USA no longer stands for a federation of states united in protecting individual freedoms and promoting harmony in diversity.
it now stands for Unrepentant Selfish A$$holes.

but then, seeing as this country's roots are firmly planted in greed, genocide and human trafficking, maybe it always has. i just can't believe that we've gotten so stupid that we don't even *try* to balance our shortcomings anymore. or is that the purpose of promoting this merger along with media homogeny in general? to keep the general consumers, uh, populace ignorant and subservient?

well if that's what you guys are up to then i'll quote one contemporary, infamous american, "mission accomplished!".

i can't tell you how much i hope i'm as wrong as he is.

if you can't reverse or even slow all the wrong you all have put in motion then PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE STOP EVERYTHING YOU'RE DOING.

just sit out the rest of your collective employment by sharpening pencils, organizing paper clips, cruising e-bay and making sure you don't miss a coffee break. you'd be putting your time, the time i'm paying you as a taxpayer, to much better use that way.

SINCERELY!!!

A.M.C.

Okay now, Whose Screws are Loose?

2006-09-15T00:23:00.000-04:00

Recently, I found out about and watched an internet documentary called Loose Change… or that’s the name of the guys’ website that are looking to initiate an investigation into the events of 9/11, I’m not sure right now.

Either way if you are reading this you probably know what I’m talking about because there is a blog on this very site called ScrewLooseChange that purports to debunk the questions raised by the docu-net-ary.

So if you are reading this you may find yourself a little confused because ScrewLooseChange uses the same blog layout I do, and you might have thought you were at the right place, but now I’m talking about that blog as if I’m not that blog, because I’m not, yet Google probably listed this blog entry when you did a search because it’s on the same blog site that I’m on, and looks the same, but it’s not the same, and Google zeroed in on the words ScrewLooseChange so included my site as an option. But you’re not where you probably wanted to be, so you probably want to search Blogger for where you do want to be, or you’re welcome to hang out here until you get the strength to continue your search.

Now that we got that ironed out…

I posit this question to all and sundry, those who argue that there HAS to be a conspiracy and those that argue that is RIDICUOLOUS.

Do you really believe that your government has your best interest at heart?

We had shaky ‘evidence’ (none actually) and started a war with it. We PICKED that fight based on suppositions. We’re gambling with our nation’s future financially, and using our citizens’ lives as poker chips but in the light of the ‘evidence’ we thought we had, and turns out we didn’t, that was okay.

Yet the guy that every one pretty much agrees is the one responsible for what happened on Tuesday, September 11th, 2001, has now pretty much become a no-name. He’s a tall, skinny Middle Eastern guy who’s dependant on dialysis, but the people who could be relied upon to provide us with the reasons for going to war are the same people who now claim that “the trail has gone cold” and can’t find this guy even though he’s the one we’re ‘really’ going after, the one ‘really’ responsible for those acts of terrorism.

In the meantime…
Evidence, as in surveillance footage that disappears, news footage from several sources that was seen live and can be reviewed now, eyewitness/victims’ reports as well as a variety of interesting overlaps is all just a bunch of crap. That stuff is only coincidence and can’t possibly be taken seriously.

Look folks, here’s the thing; those of us who believe in conspiracy theories get to play in the Ripley World. Because it’s still only theoretical, we can get passionate about believing it while subconsciously expecting, maybe hoping, to get proved wrong. I do not think anyone REALLY wants to find out that threats we can imagine are realities we’re living in at any level. Not necessarily because a threat is so scary, as much as that what’s involved in facing and dealing with it is so overwhelming.

Yet those of us who claim to live in the “real world” have a tendency to forget that the real world really is twisted, and would rather maintain blind faith in things that instead need to be seriously examined. So-called ‘debunking’ begins from the position that the other side is already at best wrong and at average, nutty. How much faith can one have in ‘evidence’ that is presented only to prove it’s own validity? I mean, isn’t that the primary argument that ‘debunkers’ make about their rivals? That they only see the things they want to see to make their points?

How about this for a start: if we can imagine it, it can be done.

But saying something doesn’t make it so any more than ignoring something makes it go away. I strongly suspect that reality has to be dealt with as it is, not as how we’d like it to be, especially regarding our nature and behaviour as human beings.

For me that means that yup, we as individuals and as groups are capable of ANYTHING. Which means we need to be earnestly open to possibilities WHILE we pursue being rigorously clear on facts. Otherwise we could find ourselves doing things we don’t want to do for reasons that aren’t clear to us.
Uh, never mind.

How does One Prioritize Chaos? Part II: “Help, I’m drowning and I can’t get up!”

2006-09-10T14:47:00.000-04:00

You know, sometimes I feel a tad guilty using that line in jokes. Yeah, yeah, I know it’s off of a commercial which makes it fair game but still, the original version has an elderly woman who’s fallen on the floor and can’t get up. That particular situation isn’t a joke, that really happens. People have died because of situations like that.

Okay, so why do I use that phrase in jokes if I sometimes feel guilty about it? Gallows humour for one thing. And I utilize gallows humour because I identify with whatever it is that I’m making jokes about for another.

Let’s go back to Grammy in the commercial who first spoke that particular line. Obviously she’s tripped on the carpet, the cat, the drunken grandson who lives with her who’s more than useless while passed out on the floor (hell, even when he’s conscious) or maybe she tripped over air, it doesn’t matter. One way or another it’s not that she’s an old woman who’s crying out in a shaky voice that makes it funny for me. It’s that I identify with a human being who finds her/himself suddenly vulnerable and aware of the equally sudden inability to help oneself in a situation. And it makes it both humiliating and even more frightening because it’s a situation that has always been benign/manageable/no big deal before!

Now why the hell would that be funny? Because I’ve been there and I hate it and I’m aware that it will happen to me again and I don’t want to face all that. Especially since the anticipation of something that could happen has a tendency to turn me into stone before it has a chance to happen. I make myself vulnerable in the present by anticipatory fear.

You know what else? Just because I’m afraid of something doesn’t mean it will happen.

This is part of how I understand my perpetual state of chaos in the day to day, moment to moment of my life. For whatever reasons I’ve learned early on and have always had as an undercurrent in myself that just being alive is dangerous. Just waking up in the morning and going about my own business, my own life, puts me physically, emotionally, financially, mentally, professionally, whatever at risk for all sorts of Burmese tiger traps, big and small.

So hence my affection for gallows humour; I can’t fully escape my fear (or life for that matter, try as I might) so it’s a mechanism to help me function to some degree.

You know what I just realized? I just explained the tag line under my blog title. When I first put that in there it was mainly a smart ass remark that I thought poked fun at my perpetual desire to sound profound. I also recognized back then that it was an honest statement mainly because I’ve found that humour isn’t funny unless it follows a truth.

Dammit! See what I mean about another layer of the onion always getting peeled back? Even though I know something’s an “onion”, even though I can see the meat of the onion under each translucent layer, upon it being peeled back something more is uncovered.

Excuse me while I go reach for some Saran Wrap.

How does One Prioritize Chaos?

2006-09-09T14:54:00.000-04:00

Isn’t that an excellent title for a blog entry? Here’s how I came up with it…
I’m in therapy, I’m in chaos, I started asking this question of myself and a few others.

I was taught some time ago that therapy operates in a circular pattern, overlapping itself in its (hopefully) forward movement. I’ve also learned, for myself at least, that I probably will never be ‘cured’ in the classical sense but that doesn’t preclude healing. It does mean that I get to learn how to progressively become more functional with my dysfunction, possibly to the point where at least of few of the symptoms or behaviours don’t appear to exist anymore. I hope that I’m learning how to strengthen my weaknesses and not be as demanding of my strengths and/or learn how to utilize them better so that I can live and feel better.

But DAMN if it isn’t two-steps-forward-one-step-back-chachacha, step-to-the-side-chachacha, swing-your-hips-chachacha, wave-your-arms-chachacha, change-the-meds-chachacha... you get the idea.

And you know what also drives me crazy(-er)??? That half of the healing is revealing, and the other half is dealing.

Oh sure, you’d think that’s a simple straightforward concept and it is, in theory. In PRACTICE it’s a freakin’ mess. Always “more will be revealed”, always “another layer of the onion”, always another approach to consider, and none of these things happen without time invested.

Just realized that simply writing these sentences exhausted me.
Time to invest some of that time into a nap.

I AM GOING TO HURT SOMEBODY!!!

2006-09-06T18:52:00.000-04:00

I AM GOING TO HURT SOMEBODY!!!

ARGGGGGHGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Okay, here’s the scoop… earlier today I went to the Microsoft site, got a troubleshoot utility, and actually got my BloggerforWord working again.

And THEN, for some INEXPLICABLE reason, it started giving me those freakin’ error messages again.

I am so pissed off right now. So I don’t know if I’m going to finally get around to posting a proper post but for now;

Thank you Michael and Jerry and everyone else who’s been stopping by to check up on me. I don’t behave like it but I do appreciate it.

Jerry, you are not a nag. I found your efforts comforting. Thank you for caring.

Michael, the day I finally stopped by to check up on you for the first time in a long time, what do I see? BILLY G’s a guest speaker??? LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL. You are either a true gentleman or absolutely out of your freakin’ gourd.
I’m suspecting both!

Okay, that’s it for now. I don’t know if I’m stable enough to keep from giving into the impulse to do something unkindly. In fact, I just decided I AM going to give into it!
I wunder where da pussycats went to, heh-heh-heh-heh-heh.
-----
ADDENDUM-dum-dum-dum!

This time the freaking thing worked.
AGGGGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHG!

On Invading Chickens and the Meaning of Life

2006-07-01T15:32:00.000-04:00

Or some such sh*t.

Okay, here’s the scoop as I know of this moment – July 1st, 2006 at 3:pm – I found that I can publish to Blogger thru my BloggerforWord add-on, but since the last ‘tweaking’ I did a week ago, I don’t know if I can access any drafts on my blog. Hell, I don’t even know if I can still publish to my blog site since I tweaked. But in a moment will be my next grand attempt.

Otherwise, I will spend a moment externalizing a bit of navel gazing I’ve been doing lately.

The last couple of months, I’ve been spending a good amount of time playing two games on my computer at home – Spider Solitaire (at the medium level) and something called Chicken Invaders from yahoogames. Actually MOST of that time has been spent on C.I. keeping myself on the beginners’ level simply because it plays more fun.

Through those two venues I got a moment of insight; I am a ‘counter’. Actually also an adder, subtracter, multiplier and divider as well, but essentially, my mind attaches to number patterns, sequences and/or the rhythm thereof for whatever reasons.

I’ve been aware of that on a surface level for sometime but it wasn’t until a month ago that I realized how deep it goes and how prevalent it is. It’s something like how I describe going thru life as if I’m not really in it, but watching it thru my forehead like if it were tv or something. The counting is a perpetual state for me, almost constantly happening unless there’s something immediate, dramatic, painful, whatever circumstance happening that forces my consciousness and my entire being into the present moment.

Now, what that means to me I don’t know. But I can describe the facts so far.

I feel like I actually accomplish something by my level of scoring on C.I.
It both soothes me and helps get my energy going.
It doesn’t put me into a “zone” like playing Spider Solitaire does.
I don’t feel interested in much else that would occupy a more involved person. Unfortunately, that includes things that are important to my overall wellbeing like going to the grocery store, going to work, washing my car, picking up my laundry, attempting to socialize, etc.

Now I have the clue that much of what I just mentioned has a lot to do with my anxiety and depression. But at this point, I can’t tell if the Chicken Invaders are helping me get thru the current phase of those things, or is now getting in the way of the evolving.

But until I feel a drive to change it, I doubt that I will.

So that’s pretty much it so far. Now to see if I can publish this directly.

Wish me luck!

I am SOOO tired of my BloggerforWord not Working...

2006-06-22T14:46:00.000-04:00

Yes, it is I, returned from a way too extended hiatus. Short story long (or something like that), after a server problem that frustrated the hell out of me that was a Blogspot issue, I then wound up with a BloggerforWord issue that I spent a month or so trying to resolve.

Why is that an issue, you ask?

Okay, so that’s not the most terrible thing that could happen so why have I let that one problem keep me from posting to my blog? I mean, come ON! This is where I share my opinions for a hoped-for audience, right?

I write much easier while writing on MSWord rather than thru the Blogspot venue. My thoughts come out easier and because I tend to edit myself while writing (a mistake I know) it’s easier to redo something I don’t like yet still keep writing. Or leaving it behind because I know it’ll be easy to find later.

So why not just ‘copy-n-paste’?

Because I can’t use the font I like in Blogspot but it loads as such when it comes thru BloggerforWord.

I have done everything I read to and was told to do and STILL I can’t get the B-4-W program to work. It reads the server I know because the name of my blog comes up. But it can’t access the damn thing.

Yet it DOES work at my work computer.

So that’s how I’m posting this today. And if anybody from Blogger and/or Blogspot happens to be reading this and you understand how to fix a “#999 – request timed out or no server response” error code, PLEASE write me.

But do me a favour; please don’t suggest the following:
Removing and reloading BloggerforWord
Removing and reloading MSWord and/or Office Basic
Turning off my firewalls and trying it
Asking my ISP if there’s an issue with them.
Writing to Microsoft
Writing to the computer manufacturer
Writing to Blogspot and/or Blogger
Posting to the help sites for feedback
And EVERYONE’S favourite, “Google It!”

So, anyone got any new ideas?

"If I, were KING, of the FOR-RESSSSSSST..."

2006-03-24T21:10:00.000-05:00

A commenter on another (the other) blog included a story about someone who recently got a $50 million dollar award from Phillip Morris tobacco company. As the guy already died, it’s his widow who’s getting it now.

AGGHHHHHHH… I can’t stand it! EVERYTHING just HAS to be GOOD vs. EVIL, doesn’t it? Everything has to be so extreme! [obviously that includes my response… oh well…]

Here’s what I’ve noticed… monetary awards went thru the roof because lawyers need jobs too, so they make SURE they get ‘em. Judges are just as responsible for skewed lawsuits being tried in the first place, never mind won, and because juries are made up of usually conscientious (they showed up, didn’t’ they?) but just as frustrated regular folks, they can’t HELP but enjoy sticking it to ‘the Man’ when they can. (can’t blame ‘em there – not right perhaps, but can’t blame ‘em)

One of the reasons I think so many mega-lawsuits happen is because corporate entities are allowed to perpetually gorge themselves on other businesses as well as on taxpayers’ money, while they’ve got their customers (aka TAXPAYERS) by the scruff, shaking every last dime outta them that they can get. In the meantime, the smaller and small businesses are overburdened with taxes, laws, licenses and fees that hamstring their hoped for success, never mind starting up in the first place, which in turn maintains a shortage of jobs that occurred because another B.A.I. ‘globalized’ its workforce, while at the same time, keeps the price out of range for regular people over here, who probably no longer have jobs anyways, because B.A.I. globalized its workforce!

HEY! HERE’S and idea! How about instead of taxpayer support for helping huge corporations like freakin’ McDonald’s play in the global market place, we use those funds to help people who actually can use it? So that those of us too poor to have a cookie jar in some offshore bank still have a chance to build a business, regardless of how small, to be more globally marketable! How’s THAT for a concept?

WHAT’s that you say? That might challenge our other global players? TOUGH. If it’s a free market, than put MY tax money where your rhetoric is. Use your own, damn cash to fund the B.A.I lobbyists constantly clawing at the underbelly of our national treasury.

Now while that nonsense is happening on the national economic level, on the social level, the only viable option for change is passing another law? In particular, against ONE more thing that individuals may or may not want to do but the very choice is being erased anyways because someone else disagrees with it, and claims its "tearing away at the fabric of society" or some such happy horsesh*t. It then becomes outlawed, further deteriorating the idea of tolerance, never mind a MYO-damn-B kind of attitude, because someone decided it wasn’t good for ‘the public’ if so-and-so gets to do this-or-that for her or his OWN life!

What crap!

Every law we pass ‘protecting’ the citizenry from ‘themselves’ and especially based on some sense of morality, encourages us to be that much less responsible for ourselves! In the meantime though, B.A.I. gets to stick it to us, to our economy, to our environment, then gets off the hook for one reason or another but usually with the excuse “but we HAVE to do this to grow as a business, how else are we going to create more JOBS??? WAH-WAH-WAH” while in the meantime those ‘jobs’ go oversees ANYways, which in turn drives the individuals to get lawyers, who convince judges and juries to stick it to ‘the Man’ and… (see previous paragraph for the rest).

It’s this constant kind of bullsh*t that kicks my megalomania into overdrive and one more time, I want to ‘Take over the World’! (I wish you foolish mortals would finally just bow down to me as your Benevolent Overlord, but *sigh*, I guess I’ll just continue to wait)

I’d flap it out like a dusty rug, hang it on a clothesline, beat the sh*t out of it, fluff it out again, leave it hung up for whatever amount of time it would take night and day air to freshen it, let the sun finish drying it up, and then bring it in to lay atop a newly cleaned floor. Then I’d make sure it’d be kept up by regular vacuuming to keep the parasites from re-infesting it!

Hmmmm.

I just realized that my metaphor would probable be more useful to me if I took it literally upon my own abode – BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT!!!

Here’s how it would be in ANNETTE-WORLD:

First off, I would be THE DICTATOR - BIG CAPs all the way! Because what I have in mind would definitely get anyone into lawsuit-lotto to try to go after me, and OH-no-no-no-no-NO! I’m not having it. It’s my way or it’s a one-way ticket to the gulag of my choice.

I would put an immediate moratorium on all lawsuits. For the next 6 months to a year judges on all levels would be hearing trials only for criminal law. In order to cut that case load back, all drugs would now be legal, or should I say, no longer illegal? I’d grab back all the funds and manpower from the DEA and set ‘em out on the streets of this country to be OUR cops. And then, what you do to get your groove on is purely YOUR business. But if something happens while you're grooving, then your ass is the LAW’s.

Next, ALL GOVERNMENT SUPPORT FOR ALL CORPORATE ENTITIES WOULD STOP! Welcome to the REAL free market. ALL MEGA CORPS that had been sucking on the Government teat would now be immediately OFF the TIT! No doubt, they’ll need to lay-off their work force in order to regroup, but they would have to start from the TOP, and weed their way down if they choose to do so. In terms of any kind of complete-ass bankruptcy, they would have, AS THEIR PRIMARY DUTY, to pay off their employees from the bottom up first until they get to the shareholders’ level, who would come second and THEN they can worry about paying off chief executives (if there’s anything left).

That might sound like punishment, but balancing an extreme situation often does. Ask anyone who just got blindsided by loosing their job!

In terms of the general population, Public Health would now have only three missions; a) to monitor and become pro-active regarding any kind of contagion, flu/virus/bacteria, what have you by informing the public as well as keeping track of epidemic response and effectiveness; b) when there’s not that kind of emergency to attend to, it would monitor and report on the quantity, quality and overall effectiveness of all medical care and its tools, especially pharmaceuticals; c) lastly, education and awareness of all the kinds of things that we want to do, already do, but may be better off not doing, but it would NOT be allowed to lobby, nor align itself with any special interest group looking to lobby for some kind of change in ANNETTE-WORLD. All entities would have to their availability all the same information and can argue each other blue in the face, but if it’s regarding limiting someone else’s choice of how to live, it BETTER be pretty damn convincing, or don’t waste the Benevolent Overlord’s (aka Me) time!

All places that are public, as in taxpayer supported, buildings, especially governing ones, would be the most comfortable for the most amount of people possible. Easily accessed, good ventilation, smoking allowed in certain areas, mood lighting, whatever! The idea would be the greatest number of people to be under the same roof at the same time to get the most amount of civic involvement outta them. After all this dictating, I’m gonna want a VACATION, damn it! How the hell can I take a few weeks off if you fools are perpetually at each other’s throats!

Violations to said public building ordinances would be attended to either by fine or removal from said building at that time, your choice. You can dig up the cash; or go home, clean up and come back. And whether it’s in a public owned building or a private business, if you have your own office (four walls, roof and a door) and you have some kind of ventilation, yes you get to smoke. (Rank should have some privileges) Those of us out on the rest of the work floor, sorry, but there would be outdoor and indoor seating available.

Essentially, I would have one law – you cheat, you get beat, no matter WHAT the situation. For instance, did you just swindle someone out of their savings? Guess what! You’re gonna be working for that person or persons until you pay that freaking amount OFF. If you wish, you can liquidate all assets to try to gain some ground on what you owe (you know, like the LITTLE people do) but until it’s paid, YOU pay, living on a basic stipend until it’s done.

How about if you rob someone like an honest crook, but happen to break your leg, loose a finger, get killed, whatever? TOUGH! Enough of this babysh*t. Don’t do it if you don’t want to risk the consequences. Of course, if you’re the intended victim and/or the one who actively did the killing/maiming to spare an intended victim, rest assured that there would be a very intense investigation into the matter. If it turns out you were justified in your actions, you’ll be reimbursed for loss of pay, lawyer’s fees, ammo, and any damage done to yourself or property, but forget about ‘pain and suffering’. And of course, that would come out of the perpetrators assets unless there aren’t any. In that case, I’ll be happy to twist the arm of the company managing your home owner’s insurance to pay for it, seeing as you’ve had to suffer nosebleeds to pay for it anyways.

If you have kids, guess what! They are now once again, YOUR responsibility.
If your kid did it YOU pay for it. Teachers would no longer be responsible for disciplining kids other than to send them home as fast as a kick sends them. Your pup mouths off, the little s.o.b. gets sent home and YOU take care of it. Spanking would no longer be illegal. HOWEVER, I mean SPANKING; not beating. A rap on the ass with a wooden spoon or a belt is a far cry from a slap in the head or broken ribs. If a parent were to abuse his or her child in such a matter, the parent would be removed from the home instead of the other way around, and sent to live with someone bigger and meaner than s/he to get the same treatment for the same length of time the child had to suffer it.

Child molesters of ANY type would have a choice of castration or jail time. Unless it involved extra-brutality beyond that of molestation. In that case, I’m not going to describe the consequences. Just rest assured that they would be there, and that they would be very unpleasant. It would be justice, but it would be unpleasant.

Murderers would not automatically face a death sentence unless the crime fits one of two criteria; how many victims and/or what was done. Anything that involved 2 or more victims – automatic death penalty is what you’re looking at. Anything that was particularly heinous, the same. And let both sides of the aisle be VERY thorough because heaven help the prosecutor who worked on emotion rather than facts to get a judgment.

There would be no more than five years to attempt an appeal. If it doesn’t happen, the sentence gets carried out. Should it be found out at some latter point that an innocent person did get the death penalty, then both sides of the legal aisle would be held accountable though the side that was more at fault would bear the brunt of the sentence, whatever that might be according to the situation.

In civil lawsuits, lawyers would get no more than 5% beyond the client’s due share of any kind of award or payment won, and the client would get paid first. Judgments in favour of the plaintiff would be focused on TANGIBLE damage done and any needs as a result of said damage. If the defendant wins, judgment will favour the less wealthy of the two. Sounds unfair, doesn’t it? TOO BAD. If you got the cash to get an overpriced lawyer to get your butt out of sling, you shouldn’t be crying anyways.

Smoking would be regulated like alcohol, and all types of recreational drug use would carry labels that described ingredients and their amounts, and the FDA’s function in that regard would only to be make sure those labels were accurate and easily read by anyone at a 6th grade reading level. I say that not to insult, but to make sure that if a kid tries sneaking something identified as ‘adult fun’, s/he would have a good idea what they’re about to expose themselves to and think twice if it’s worth a strap to her/his ass.

All private businesses would be able to choose for themselves whether or not to permit smoking, but if so, adequate ventilation must be provided, especially if they wish to cater to both groups.

Behaviour around recreational drug use would be a little more restricted than guidelines set for alcohol and tobacco. Yeah, I know that’s slanted, so what? I’M the dictator remember? You don’t get a contact high like you do with pot, and if someone wishes to shoot up that’s too much of a health risk in any setting that may be private but still caters to the public.

But again, remember, REGARDLESS OF DRUG, REGARDLESS OF ANYONE ELSE SERVING YOU OR IN SOME WAY INTERACTING WITH YOU, YOU ARE THE ONE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR ACTIONS AROUND YOUR DRUG-OF-CHOICE USE, AND WHILE UNDER IT’S EFFECTS. No addiction arguments, no daddy-didn’t-love-me arguments. You choose to use, you take responsibility for it.

*WHEW*

Ok, okay, I know, I know. Time to get back to real life. Believe me, I’ve got even more ideas on this matter, but I’m finally vented out enough to stop going on about it.

But tell the truth. Don’t you think I’d make a damn good Benevolent Overlord? Get those petitions going right away, folks!

In the meantime, I’ll go finish my business on the ‘throne’.

An Inverse of the Adverse

2006-03-21T02:10:00.000-05:00

I think many people are aware of the saying about knowing a person by what kind of company s/he keeps. My mother’s version was “You show me where you live, I’ll tell you who you are”. Of course, she loved throwing that one at me because I tend towards being a bit messy.

Oh, all right, I’m a SLOB, okay?

Not all the time and not in all ways, but yeah, I can feel right at home with a can of W-D 40 next to a roll of duct tape on the kitchen table, and jeans and socks strewn like huge, sloppy petals all about the floor.

Well I recently had another realization. Personally speaking, one can’t judge me very well by the kinds of people I’ve made friends with, as there have been so many kinds of them. I’ve been close with intelligent, good looking, charming people, and I’ve been friends with those who aren’t.

I was a guest at a Palladian villa just outside of Venice with authentic Renaissance murals on the walls, antique furniture, a glass of cognac in one hand and an English cigarette in the other. Yet one of my favourite nightspots back home was a bar in the next town over that overlooked a small harbour. The fisherman could practically step off their fishing/lobstering/oyster boats and go right inside (and basically did). The floor was so slanted you felt like you were already drunk and barrel-chested, burly guys with names like ‘Rosie’ and ‘Tiny’ were regulars.

These days, I tend to be by myself a lot more. Sometimes I miss interacting with the variety of folks that I used to, but for now, I seem to be more content by myself. Although, considering the amount of time I spend online writing people all over the place or talking with them on the phone, I’m not sure I’m all that alone.

After reading today’s entry at The Rest of the Story, it occurred to me; what if it isn’t the company one keeps, but the enemies one makes that is a more effective means of assessing ourselves? If adversity strengthens the character, then our enemies give us an idea of who we are by whom and how we fight, as well as what we are fighting for.

Of course, in my case, I can piss anyone off; but I think that just proves I’m versatile!

Civil Liberties vs Public Health ding-g-g...

2006-03-19T12:59:00.000-05:00

In THIS caw-NAAAHR…
Weighing in at 230 years, the People’s Favourite, Civil “I-Wanna-Keep-‘Em” Liberteezzz!

In the opposing caw-nahr…
Weighted with political and corporate interest, THE Cha-Len-jherrrr, Public “We-Gotta-Save-‘Em” Health!

Okay, the reader may have already noticed a slightly prejudiced tone from the writer. Better believe it. I’ll do my best to stay fair, but I can’t make any promises.

Here’s a pattern I notice – everyone, anyone, who’s ever had an idea that something was ‘wrong’ somehow, develops a cause, sometimes gets momentum behind it, gets some (usually good) changes done, and then wants to stay in the game because there’s always more to do. Either that or the game’s been so much fun that the ones that started it don’t want it to stop. In fact, there are often other players who’ve joined that don’t want it to stop either. Everyone’s having too good of a time to let it go! Well, that is of course, for the side that was originally challenged.

The challenged side may eventually take a whooping, or at least got a lesson taught it, but then at some point just wants to call it a day and go home. “Oh NO!” cry the new winners. “You can’t leave now! We’re not done with you yet!”

They beaten side at this point acknowledges (however hesitantly) that it’s lost the game and so now wants to go on about its business. “But that’s just IT!” cry the new winners. “If you go off about your business, you could come back and challenge us. Better you should stay here in this yard, continuing playing this game and trust us, you’ll like it better this way!”

I came up with a saying that’s not exactly true, but it gets my point across; 'the last time I believed the words "trust me" I lost my virginity.'

So now here’s a concept, very much related to my previous post on the concept of Pro-Choice as a political party. Our laws should be focused on preserving the civil liberties of every individual, especially in the face of ANY entity that insists it is doing something that benefits the public good.

A somewhat recent (and in my opinion, particularly bullsh*t) piece of legislation regarding ‘public good gone bad’ is with the issue of Eminent Domain. In New London, Connecticut (Connecticut! one of the original 13 no less), it was ruled just peachy to clear out some neighborhoods to allow private developers access to it because it would generate income and improve the economy of the city, enhancing the *public* good. Go to CT General Assembly and search for Eminent Domain 2005 (tried to link to it, but it wouldn't let me; hmm)

Uh; huh. Would you like fries with that bridge I just sold you?

Let’s be honest now people, do you really trust the government, any government, to act in your best interest? Do you believe that any kind of entity larger than your neighbourhood deli, hardware store or public library really has your best interest in mind?

No, nor should it. Corporations have their own interests to take care of. Government is supposed to represent the will of the people, yet if the only ‘people’ they hear from are corporate or special interests, why should you be surprised that legislation is continuously passed in their favour? Especially if you thought that any interest or entity you had a part in promoting was going to ‘take care of you’ somehow. Hell, that’s one of the reasons some of our founders weren’t too keen on a big centralized government, or political parties for that matter.

Recently, one of the regular commenters from The Rest of the Story blog provided this link to an article on Reason Online regarding “Eroding the distinction between public and private health”.

Scary reading - and I think important.

Sometimes I write things in the comments on that blog the things I mean to write in here. I’m including the following comment of mine in full as I give myself permission to do so. I’ll get this latest entry up quicker that way...

"First, thanks for the description of the air flow in plane cabins. I find that the easier someone can explain something complicated, the better that person knows it. (I have yet to get to that level) Obviously you know your sh*t pretty damn well.

Second, bravo with the letter! Well done. I was LMAO. Something else occurred to me while reading it. One of the things people seem to always forget is that the things we consider ridiculous or oppressive now were originally the only hope a population had.
It never happened in a vacuum.

In brief terms:
Communism/Socialism was the resistance to Imperialism (whatever form it took)
Unions were the resistance to Capitalism.
Liberalism was/is the resistance to Conservatism.

The inverse can be said of all those as well. Yet, whether you turn left or right on any issue, push hard enough and you wind up where you were again. For instance, once we broke up huge monopolies, now we call it 'globalization'. Hence the saying about 'good intentions'. It appears that good intentions don't know where to stop!

Something else people tend to miss - no matter how much we prepare for it, we cannot escape life. We keep thinking we're eradicating disease and then disease comes back stronger.

It’s one of the reasons I prefer organizations like LiveStrong (Lance Armstrong's charity) or Planned Parenthood (which is NOT about 'abortion' btw). They do not advocate for one policy or another. They do not function (so far) to police or direct people's choices.They provide services to people who are living in and struggling thru the today. They stay the hell away from politics as much as possible to keep their missions focused. Their service isn't in telling people what to do; it's about supporting people to live their own lives the best they can.

You know, like what this country's founding principles supposedly originally were."

Pro-Choice - I wish it were a Political Party

2006-03-14T17:54:00.000-05:00

It’s been a while since I’ve posted on my own blog. Some of it was because of laziness, most of it because of being busy or distracted. Or busily distracted, in particular on another blog where I've been making new [insert wisecrack-look here] friends.

At a friend’s suggestion, I was going to post about pro-choice in terms of reproductive rights. I began to but my thoughts wouldn’t jell. I realized that part of that is because of all the focus and interest I’ve been applying to pro-choice in terms of tobacco use. But that seems to pale against the importance of Roe vs Wade coming up before a more conservative (read that damn-near-fascist) US Supreme Court.

And now I wonder – isn’t it the same issue applied to different circumstances? What are civil liberties, really? For that matter, what is ‘the rule of law’?

In my opinion, both law and civil liberties are abstracts, regardless of how precious the forgers of our Constitution and Bill of Rights held them, and all the philosophies they drew on to support their vision. More than anything, they can be called ‘understandings between parties’ but please note, understanding in that context doesn’t mean compassion or acceptance. I use it more in terms of common awareness and active recognition.

For instance, it’s understood that if someone has a gun pointed at me, I am definitely not in charge. I can make my own decisions regarding that situation but it’s the one with the most compelling influence who’s calling the shots (pun intended). My own choices are a) surrender b) rush for the gun c) risk getting shot either way.

Here's my own take on both those things utilizing the following definitions;

‘Civil liberty’ - function: noun: freedom from arbitrary governmental interference (as with the right of free speech) specifically by denial of governmental power and in the U.S. especially as guaranteed by the Bill of Rights -- usually used in plural*

‘Law’ - 1 a (1): a binding custom or practice of a community: a rule of conduct or action prescribed or formally recognized as binding or enforced by a controlling authority (2): the whole body of such customs, practices, or rules*

Notice “customs, practices and rules”. Such a thing as a 'law' does not exist in a tangible sense. It’s a concept, delineated in the written word with accompanying actions and followed to a certain degree but other than that, it's just a custom, a practice, a set of rules established and (hopefully) agreed upon by any general or particular society. So, if law does not exist, neither does civil liberties.

Scary, huh? Don’t get nervous though. Hold my hand and follow me a little longer.

In breaking down the phrase of civil liberties and starting with ‘civil’ - 1 a: of or relating to citizens b: of or relating to the state or its citizenry*

Now let's go to ‘liberties’ - 1: the quality or state of being free: a: the power to do as one pleases b: freedom from physical restraint c: freedom from arbitrary or despotic control d: the positive enjoyment of various social, political, or economic rights and privileges e: the power of choice.*

Any grouping of people, no matter how small or large, is really a crowd unless there is some kind of mutual understanding between them. It doesn’t become a community until shared interests or pursuits are involved. It doesn’t become a state unless laws are created.

But why would laws be created in the first place? So that we can continue acting on and enjoying our shared interests without getting in each other’s way (too much) with our un-shared interests.

Regardless of all the groupings that we can classify ourselves in (or not) there is still one bottom line foundation to the concept of ‘society’; it is based on individuals attempting to co-exist for mutual safety, support and company.

Each one of us is an individual, and each one of us are somehow connected to the rest of society including, paradoxically, by being distanced by it.

Each time we marginalize an individual’s choices we marginalize a group or subgroup. We are eliminating a possible strength and creating a possible discontent which can grow into an opposing community or group.

Yet each time we insist that our individual choices are the only things that matter, and that the rest of society needs to make its own way around it, we distance ourselves from that society. We engender a negative response from it and compromise the very thing that helps us to survive.

Somewhere in between those two extremes is the society that our founders intended and the government to maintain it; but not for the sake of a government, nor for the sake of a particular society, per se – but for the sake of the individual.

That’s why I wish there was a Pro-Choice party.

Or another way to phrase it; I do not exist for the government nor for the dictates of any corporate or social entity. If anything, they exist because of and for me as well as for every other individual involved.

As I have a right to my life as well as responsibility for it, that means I also have rights regarding those entities…
which includes a “love tap” upside the head when they get too full of themselves and overstep their boundaries into my life.

* Merriam-Webster Online

Visual Commentary - 'The Innocent'

2006-03-04T14:25:00.000-05:00

aka 'The Big 3'

A lil somin-somin' I drew in response to the Danish cartoon mess in particular and as a comment on religiosity in general. Please note, I said 'religiosity' not 'religion'.

When Good Intentions go Bad or...

2006-03-04T03:56:00.000-05:00

They can pave the Road to Hell but They can’t fix the Damn Highway!

For the last century or so tobacco use was considered a given, the type of thing that people did regardless of where they were at. Restaurants, moving picture houses, courtrooms, wherever. Pipe, cigar, cigarettes, even chewing tobacco and snuff were simply the norm. Of course, those who found it offensive would occasionally ask (or tell) someone not to use their tobacco product around them but then they might hear something like "It’s a free country" or, "If you don’t like it, you can leave!" Or they may have even gotten a smack to the head! (One can fantasize, can't one?)

So there you go; way back when tobacco users were already sowing the seeds of discontent among those who did not choose to partake. Interesting how what goes around…

When the tobacco industry finally got the spotlight shown on it, it was about damn time. Not only had Big T gotten arrogant about its acceptance in society, it had fostered ever more toxic advertising practices as well as chemically altering the product to ensure a healthy and ever expanding profit margin.

Well, okay, so those last two things are what ‘all the other kids do’ as well but that’s not the point. My beef is why the hell did Big T have to do all the chemical crap to it? And when is enough profit enough? Apparently, the respective answers are “because we can” and “never”.

You know, like all the other industries (kids) do.

Then what makes Big T so much more evil in the eyes of the non-tobacco using world? Probably because of the simplest reason – it reminds us how sloppy, imperfect and perfectly mortal we are. Tobacco is looked down upon as a habit, an addiction, an unnecessary luxury and/or indulgence. Of course, so is alcohol, ice cream, chocolate, SUV’s, coffee, sugar, music, art, and everything else that has either been declared bad for you, could be bad for you, make someone else look bad or "make" someone feel bad.

Censorship and other tyrannies concerning people's behaviours are nothing new. They have always existed and force fed to anyone within spitting range of a religious or a political pulpit, as well as from ever-evolving social mores.

Yet, it also seems that when some ‘bad’ thing becomes outlawed long enough it comes back as a rebellion, then a cause, then once again as an accepted norm until it’s time for it to be ‘bad’ again.

I think that’s because we don’t cope well with the concept that as imaginative, creative, clever, productive, ingenious, whatever as we can be, we are still destined to wind up as worm bait. Who truly wants to see their faults and vulnerabilities? I mean, I don’t have any to face myself but if I did, I’m sure I wouldn’t want to deal with it.

So, if we cannot escape or accept our own sloppy selves what can we do? We do what we can to reform everyone else, that’s what. Once all the evils that those 'Others' engage in have been vanquished, THEN we'll be able to live happily, well and forever!

Personally, I think that sounds a little exhausting. I’d rather continue to learn how to put up with people who inhabit this planet with me and hope they choose to learn to do the same.

OH, how I hope they choose to learn to do the same. Otherwise, we could wind up on the same seesaw together and I’m not sure I could resist jumping off my end while they’re up in the air on theirs.

Hmmm. Then again, that could be fun!

My AGENDA

2006-02-25T23:43:00.000-05:00

My *AGENDA*
[you know, that thing we all have and get defensive about?]

Okay, here’s how I wound up finally getting a blog. I have always been the type to have an opinion and then voice it, even when it isn’t asked for. My experience around that has evolved into what I call the ‘AGGGHHH’ effect. I highly recommend developing an AGGGHHH effect of your own if you’re looking to get your friends to stop asking to borrow your stuff, have your mother beg you not to call, get your boss to avoid you for a change, etc.

I also seemed to have always had this tendency to put things together and come up with ideas that were a tad out of the mainstream thinking; and of course voice them even when it wasn’t asked for. My experience around that has developed into something in me that I call a ‘Cassandra Complex’.

Cassandra was this chick who lived in Troy during that whole beef with the Greeks over Helen. I think she was Paris’ sister or something.

Anyhoo, she had the gift of foresight or prophecy or whathaveyou, but like all other gifted mortals in Greek historimyth, she pissed off some god or another who cursed her talent. Every time she had a vision of something that would or could happen, nobody believed her. Even when she could say ‘PFFFT – toldyouSO!”, she’d be dismissed with a wave of the hand no matter how often she got proven right. So when she went around telling people to make tracks-get the hell outta Dodge-the Greeks are gonna kick our butts, nobody listened. I’m sure most of you guys know how that story ended, even if you did fall asleep during the movie.

I’ve got a few of these kind of moments but here’s a quick sample; when I was ten, I remember getting into this big discussion (actually I broke down with tears of frustration and shouted my part) with my mother, step-father, aunt and uncle, over what human beings do to the world. One of the things I threw out at them was “one of these days we’re even gonna put army bases on the moon!” I think it was at that point that, after they laughed at my fantastic imagination, they told me to go in the other room and watch tv. That was in 1970.

I think it was 14 (?) years later that Ronnie introduced the whole Star Wars program and sure enough, that was one of the possibilities that were mentioned. I just couldn’t resist the temptation so when I read about it I pointed it out to my mother and step-father. After getting ‘that’ look I heard, “you’re crazy, nothing like that ever happened, you dreamed that up, go watch tv – or better yet, go get a better job!”.

Grrrrrrrr.

In 1977, I was in high school talking with some friends and explaining why I had a fear of computers. Yeah, I thought it was kind of cool, but the idea that computers could hold ALL kinds of information, and could process it and share it with whoever knew how to push a few buttons scared me. I didn’t like the idea that information about me (because of course, that’s who it was all about) could be collected and given out to whomever.

My friends gave me ‘that’ look then replied to my obviously paranoid delusions;
They, “First off Annette, that information would have to be entered in somewhere...”
Me, “Every time people do bank stuff or file taxes or stuff, their information goes somewhere.”
They, “Do you know how many people there are??? How could they keep track of all that?”
Me “All of that could be attached to your social security number when you get one!”
(Note: back then, you didn’t have to get one until you started working – now you get one when you’re born)
They, “And HOW would the computers be able to talk with each other – they’d all have to be connected somehow! How could they do that???”
Me, “Well, we’ve got phones connected all over the place. They could use the phone lines…”
About here I was waved off, handed the joint, and the conversation went somewhere else. I think it was around 5 (?) years later when some high school kid used his home computer to hack into the Pentagon’s data base.

So now, fast forward to about a year ago; while at the job, a couple of co-workers and I were having one of those over-the-cubicle-wall chats about how everything they tell you one minute is bad for you, the next minute they tell you is good for you - in ‘officially’ recommended doses, of course.

Having a flair for raising a conversational ante, I eventually (and calmly) came out with “I can’t wait until they start telling you that smoking and/or nicotine is somehow good for you. That’ll be a hoot!” This idea was received with guffaws and happy-go-lucky sarcasm. But as often happens with me, once I found this new track in my mind, I couldn’t resist following it.

“Think about it, there’s not much that they haven’t screamed about being bad for you and now they say the opposite: and a few things they drummed into your skull that was “good for you” like margarine and now they’re quietly retracting on that… why not cigarettes or tobacco? Hell, they already use nicotine in gum.”

“Exactly, Annette! They use nicotine in gum to help people *quit* smoking, because it’s BAD for you. Get it?” Well, yeah, I got it, but I wasn’t convinced that I didn’t have some ground for my argument; so now to the present.

I am a cigarette smoker. At one time I was a non-smoker for a little over 3 years and I found that I enjoyed certain aspects of that lifestyle (like not sweating about running out of cigarettes) but found that I missed it and began smoking again.

Almost everyone I know tells me that’s because I’m addicted, and I don’t choose to argue that (not with my history on other substances I don’t). Yet just for record, after I realized I wanted to smoke again it took a week for me to buy a pack of cigarettes, and then another two weeks of just keeping them in my backpack while I considered why I wanted to. Finally, I just decided, yes, I wanted to smoke, and did. That was about 8 years ago.

It’s been over 4 years since 9/11; around 3 years since the conception and implementation of Homeland [in]Security; over a year since the ban on smoking in restaurants and bars in my state; about a month since the legal/illegal surveillance issue came to the surface; and now Row vs Wade is up on the block again. These are the things that come to mind as I write, just a few of the incidences and issues I observe evolving from day to day. Sometimes it’s a little scary because, you know, what does one do with stuff like this?

Well, *this* one has a tendency to get curious and whether or not it’s intended, winds up finding trouble. So guess what. There ARE studies that suggest there’s a benefit to cigarette smoking and no, they were NOT funded by the tobacco industry.

Before you tear me a new one, let’s get something clear; I’m not interested in telling anyone to smoke anymore than I’m interested in telling anyone not to. This is NOT an endorsement for anyone, especially underage people, to pick up any type of tobacco use. As far as I’m concerned that’s your own damn business once you’re old enough to get thrown out of the house.

And no, I am NOT a front man for Big T. In fact, I’m a private individual who has a huge attitude with that industry for compromising tobacco products the way I have a huge attitude with the agricultural industry concerning GMO foods, the way I have a huge attitude with Big Ass Industry (B.A.I) in general.

Ah, here’s a thought; you know what seems to be the most important lesson learned by the US government regarding the experience with Big T? Don’t have B.A.I. reps swear an oath before testifying before Congress; it gets too embarrassing later on. Lucky break for Exxon-Mobile et al, eh?

When I figure out how to do this (still getting over my past hesitancy about learning computery stuff) I’ll provide a link to where I found the info I mentioned. It’s originally from the CDC so if one goes to their website directly, it’s kind of difficult to navigate to find the studies you’re looking for. Or perhaps that’s just because I’m still not that web savvy. In any event, originally I was looking for something else – some kind of smokers’ rights advocacy group, and studies that specified how much of the toxicity was caused by the tobacco and how much of it was caused by the additives.

In this last week, I’ve found more information than my poor gob of grey matter can digest at one sitting. In the process, I’ve also found some support, and I think with that, a little hope. Not just in terms of my rights as an adult who chooses to use tobacco products – but in the idea that yes, other people do still believe in the rights of the individual and that no matter how many things can divide people (and Lord knows that’s a lot of things) there’s always at least one thing we can find as common ground. Thank God that once we’re done getting along for the day, we can go home and rest from the effort.

So that’s how I wound up getting a blog. I tripped onto this Blogger site in my travels and decided, what the hell? At least here not only do I have a chance to speak my mind(s) but the potential audiences can choose for themselves as to whether or not they hear me out. And without having to run in the opposite direction screaming “AGGGHHH!”

Intro

2006-02-25T17:46:00.000-05:00

Over the years, I have often heard this particular phrase applied to me, “You think too much”.

I have also heard, “Oh no, not again”, “Can’t you just let it go???” “Um, I have to leave now…”, and of course the ever popular, “Good point, but what can you do about it?”

Now, the concept of ‘thinking too much’ confused me for the longest time. Think too much? Don’t most of us think too little? Yet I have begun understanding that yes, it IS possible to think too much. In my case, I find that too much thinking often leads to too much seeking, too much finding, too much talking, too much hearing, too much overwhelm and finally, too little action.

And that brings me to ‘what can you do about it?’ The truth is, lots. I believe that the saying ‘you can’t fight city hall’ is untrue. We can fight city hall. We may not win but we can certainly fight. What I find I cannot fight is apathy either in others or myself.

So, when I’m feeling apathetic, (or depressed, or unmotivated, or uninterested or just plain exhausted) I allow myself to fall down psychologically as it were, and sometimes physically too. Which means there may be long periods of time where nothing new appears on this blog. But that’s why a comment link is provided isn't it? - so that when I’m busy hiding under the covers, everyone else can visit, write, brawl and leave.

As for the name, I have a way of looking at things – well, one of many – that I call my fulcrum philosophy. If one side of anything has been firmly embedded for a while, it will take more weight and/or energy applied to the opposing side to get the sucker to budge, hence the occasional necessity of extremes.

However, that can result in a sudden slam into the ground of the opposing side, nestling it into a form-fitting crater; or in too much weight being added and left to sit. Either way the newly landed end becomes as lard-bottomed as the previous one was, and that in turn perpetuates both imbalance and stagnancy.

The trick is that once momentum has begun on one end, there must be maneuvering towards the middle so that the extreme does not become the norm. Those Bambi-on-Roller-blades times are not often graceful nor easily maintained and sometimes unsuccessful, but when weight and energy are complimentarily present, there is both motion and balance.

I use this philosophy to explain my views on politics, economics, societal evolution (or the hope thereof), health and medicine, relationships, human behaviour, and why I don’t get on seesaws with small children. It’s how I understand the world and how I approach it.

In looking it up in a dictionary to reassure myself that I was using the word properly, I found out something interesting. The word comes from the Latin ‘fulcire’ meaning ‘to support’ and most often refers to something that props or supports (that part I knew). It also refers to connective tissues in human anatomy and hinged anatomical structures in zoology. One more definition I found was “An agent through which vital powers are exercised”.

That last one gave me a special tickle!

As for the ‘Freestyle’ part, well, first off, I liked the alliteration. But just as important was what I hope to engender in myself and in the environment of this blog. Everyone is a fulcrum of some sort; a support, a prop, a pivot point, “an agent through which vital powers are exercised”. I believe that free flowing thought and its exchange is very vital, and when grounded in reason (or a reasonable facsimile thereof) very powerful.

And of course, I liked the alliteration.

So, here I am, wacky thinking and all. Conspiracy, collusion, common sense, uncommon sense, theology, psychology, philosophy, public policy, and no doubt a touch of whining and a whole lot of venting. I bet you feel at home already.