On Invading Chickens and the Meaning of Life

Or some such sh*t.

Okay, here’s the scoop as I know of this moment – July 1st, 2006 at 3:pm – I found that I can publish to Blogger thru my BloggerforWord add-on, but since the last ‘tweaking’ I did a week ago, I don’t know if I can access any drafts on my blog. Hell, I don’t even know if I can still publish to my blog site since I tweaked. But in a moment will be my next grand attempt.

Otherwise, I will spend a moment externalizing a bit of navel gazing I’ve been doing lately.

The last couple of months, I’ve been spending a good amount of time playing two games on my computer at home – Spider Solitaire (at the medium level) and something called Chicken Invaders from yahoogames. Actually MOST of that time has been spent on C.I. keeping myself on the beginners’ level simply because it plays more fun.

Through those two venues I got a moment of insight; I am a ‘counter’. Actually also an adder, subtracter, multiplier and divider as well, but essentially, my mind attaches to number patterns, sequences and/or the rhythm thereof for whatever reasons.

I’ve been aware of that on a surface level for sometime but it wasn’t until a month ago that I realized how deep it goes and how prevalent it is. It’s something like how I describe going thru life as if I’m not really in it, but watching it thru my forehead like if it were tv or something. The counting is a perpetual state for me, almost constantly happening unless there’s something immediate, dramatic, painful, whatever circumstance happening that forces my consciousness and my entire being into the present moment.

Now, what that means to me I don’t know. But I can describe the facts so far.

I feel like I actually accomplish something by my level of scoring on C.I.
It both soothes me and helps get my energy going.
It doesn’t put me into a “zone” like playing Spider Solitaire does.
I don’t feel interested in much else that would occupy a more involved person. Unfortunately, that includes things that are important to my overall wellbeing like going to the grocery store, going to work, washing my car, picking up my laundry, attempting to socialize, etc.

Now I have the clue that much of what I just mentioned has a lot to do with my anxiety and depression. But at this point, I can’t tell if the Chicken Invaders are helping me get thru the current phase of those things, or is now getting in the way of the evolving.

But until I feel a drive to change it, I doubt that I will.

So that’s pretty much it so far. Now to see if I can publish this directly.

Wish me luck!